“Grow from the dirt that they left you in”.
It’s easy for me to just sit here and write “Who cares? Do better and move on”. Because that’s the sort of guidance that I was usually given to by other people, but let’s be honest- it’s pretty useless and patronising advice. And I know this is not always the case, sometimes time flies by and you’re still feeling slightly paralysed by whatever happened. It’s hard to get by knowing that you’re not going to get closure in a particular scenario anytime soon. But honestly, the best feeling ever is realising you’re not sad anymore over something you thought you would never get over.
Nowadays, we place a lot of emphasis on healing. This is especially true for mentally ill people who are recovering from trauma. And it’s for a good reason: we want one another to feel better, to cope better with pain, and to be happier. However, with all the emphasis on that, it’s normal to sometimes feel frustrated with yourself when your healing process is taking forever.
This post isn’t about romantic breakups exclusively, this can also apply to friends or family or anything that meant a lot to you during that period in your life that you may have lost. But sometimes it’s also important to realise that being alone is better than they were for you. If you’ve been through it once, you can certainly do it again. So, with that being said, here are just some of the rules that have kept me mindful while I was going through some tough times. The truth is, you’re all too young for unnecessary stress anyway, y’all gotta live.
Disclaimer: a bulk of this advice has been pulled from blogs on Tumblr, Instagram and other websites. I do not take full credit for the words mentioned in this post.
STOP GETTING INVOLVED WITH SHITTY PEOPLE-
People aren’t going to treat you right because you love them, and they don’t have to because not everyone is going to love you back and not everyone is going to want to be your best friend. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve stopped trying with. And that’s okay, I promise it is. Stay away from people who are committed to misunderstanding you. Take the L and unfollow them. Some things really are unforgivable, your life isn’t going to be unfulfilling and miserable if you don’t forgive every single person that’s ever wronged you.
DISCONNECT AND UNPLUG, SOMETIMES-
Let’s not be too hasty here, I’m not saying deactivate and delete all of your social media and chuck your phone into the nearest river. Who can actually afford that? But just stop checking who’s watching your story compulsively. Quit oversharing on social media, don’t announce everything. Don’t share your plans. Show your progress maybe, prove your growth. Let em’ see your prosperity and not what steps it took to get there. And stop deleting photos/posts when they don’t get enough attention, it’s transparent and we all know that it wasn’t “an accident”. Smh.
TAKE CHANGE IN DOSES-
Don’t get a spontaneous haircut, for Christ sake. Once again, it is transparent and predicable, trim your split ends and re-dye your roots or something, instead. Shit.
GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOURSELF-
Trust yourself. Listen to yourself, but also make an effort and try. Brush your hair, shower, clean your room. Say “yes” more. Try. I know getting up early and running a long distance sucks and the gym is gross but won’t it be worth it when you not only look good but feel good too? Plus, when you finally love yourself you stop putting your self-esteem in the hands of others. There is no limit to loving yo’ damn self.
SET SOME GOALS-
Even if they’re small achievements, like you haven’t skipped a meal in over a week. Message that friend you’ve lost touch with and actually make concrete plans, do a pushup, read a sentence from that book you’ve been meaning to read. Minor goals! Yay! You can stay in bed all day but nothing is going to happen there. Sometimes, you’ve honestly just got to get up.
LET TIME DO ITS THING-
I mean, life is so subtle sometimes that you barely notice yourself walking through the doors you once hoped would open. Reflect on how far you’ve already come. Think about the people you’ve met, the places you’ve been, and how each day feels a little lighter than the last.
STOP COMPARING. STOP COMPARING. STOP COMPARING-
You know that saying? Comparison will kill you? Well it’s true, especially for your self-esteem. I don’t have any magical words, it’s a gradual process that requires a conscious and continuous effort. There’s inherent value in embracing your authentic self. With social media’s omnipresence it’s difficult to truly avoid people that distress you. I know everyone seems like they’re way happier than you and/or are doing better, but please be mindful and know that it’s all trivial and that nobody has it all figured out. Glo and grow privately xxx
YOU ARE A WHOLE DAMN BEING-
Yes, some days are hard but that doesn’t make you an unhappy person. It doesn’t make you depressed or bipolar, so stop trying to diagnose yourself. It’s just a hard day, week, month. Sometimes even more, but it will be better. You are growing and you are becoming. Don’t rush it but don’t fight it either, sis.
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF EVEN IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN LOVE-
De-romanticise the idea that love will turn you into the person you want to be. And that’s okay!! Take things as impersonally as you can and rely on yourself, there is nothing wrong with being alone. You are the best company you’ll ever know. It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay and none of this was ever your fault. Sometimes people just fall out of love and sometimes people change their minds. It’s okay. It’s okay. You’ll one day discover you didn’t need them, they weren’t shit anyway.